


Don't Give Stiles A Gun

by Stilienski



Series: Sterek ficlets [10]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Hale Fire, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Stiles is a failcupid, angels are jerks, cupid!Stiles Stilinski, cupids are awesome, stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-07-12 17:37:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7115722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stilienski/pseuds/Stilienski
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles is a "badass" cupid with a gun, on his first mission to find love for Derek Hale.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Give Stiles A Gun

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Snare](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snare/gifts).



> Based off of [this prompt](http://4fuxake.tumblr.com/post/138178133859/sterek-prompt)

Stiles still couldn’t quite believe he’d actually finally graduated. He’d never thought he’d pass the physical part of the course with the whole shooting business and the flying thing and the whole ordeal of doing those two things both at once. But of course it was essential for a cupid to know this stuff, if not the entire reason of their existence. So he’d pushed through and he actually made it. He actually freaking graduated. Now he was allowed to go down to earth and shoot the people full of love. He hadn’t even started on his first assignment yet but he already loved his job.

I mean, it’s not like it would actually be hard or anything. He just had to observe his assignment (person A), find a suitable target (person B), pump both their asses full of lovejuice (innuendo definitely intended) and watch his magic work. Or really watch the magic of the bullets work. (Yes, bullets, archery was so outdated.)

Stiles didn’t exactly have any magic himself. He barely had enough juice in him to fly. Cupids weren’t really angels or anything, they were just… upgraded humans. Well, humans with the ability to fly and enter heaven as they pleased. Okay, so maybe from a human’s point of view it seems as if cupids are really closer to angels but you’ll just have to take Stiles’ word for this.

Angels are pretentious douchenozzles with some kind of crazy mojo they call “grace”, they’re about a hundred times more powerful than cupids, but for the love of all that’s holy, don’t tell them that. As far as the angels should be concerned, cupids are the sole reason god’s precious little humans aren’t extinct yet and that god’s little pet project “earth” is still spinning. Because If anyone ever dare tell an angel otherwise then the cupids would never hear the freaking end of it.

Anyway, we’re getting ridiculously far off track here.

Stiles managed to graduate! And even though he’d been destined to become a cupid from the very second he was conceived, it still came as a surprise to everyone that he passed the class. Before he’d gone to Cupid College (no, they weren’t very original with names around here) he’d actually always had high hopes for his physical training. With an angel as a mother and a human law enforcement man as his father, you’d think he’d somehow have some shooting-related talent hidden away somewhere. But oh no. No sir. That’s not how Stiles’ life or luck worked, no, no. Stiles was never destined for great things. Stiles was destined to suck at life but make everyone laugh in the process of sucking. At least if it brought other people joy it wouldn’t be for nothing.

Well, to be fair, he couldn’t really say things like that anymore. Because now he had really graduated (no, he wasn’t going to get tired of saying that) and it was all because of pure luck. At the target shooting exam he accidentally pulled the trigger too early because of his insane nerves. He triggered the gun before he’d even managed to take hold of it properly and the bullet went straight through the bullseye. It was magnificent. It gave him exactly the encouragement he needed to not pass out during the flying test. He almost did, because fuck that, 30 miles, really? But no one needs to know about the almost passing out, they just need to know about the passing.

While reminiscing over his luck during his exams, he’d finally made his way down to earth where he’d found his first assignment: Derek Hale. On the papers they also indicated Lydia Martin as his recommended target for this one. Stiles would observe them separately for a bit to gauge their compatibility for himself, but as it was his first assignment he didn’t feel quite ready yet to disagree with the higher-ups.

But since the observing stage was probably the most interesting one during any assignment, he took his time with it. This Lydia Martin girl was really fascinating. She was smart and beautiful and sassy as fuck, which was a quality Stiles could definitely appreciate in a person. But the guy, Derek Hale, he was even more intriguing. For starters, the guy was a werewolf. Always cool (if they didn’t feast on human flesh at least). Second, he spent most of his day working out, which…. Helloooo arms and abs and back and really just… wow. Third, the guy seems to be kind of a recluse and he was super grumpy when he went out for groceries, but then the dude gets back home and he’s all smiles when he sees his pet bunny. His freaking pet bunny. Grumpy werewolf guy has a cute pet bunny.

On top of all that, when he called his mom (who lives in New York with the rest of Derek’s pack according to Stiles’ files) he didn’t want to hang up. Derek kept finding more things to talk about. The werewolf is a freaking mommy’s puppy. He’s adorable.

But Stiles has been putting this off for too long now, he figures they’re compatible. With Lydia being the smart and rational one and Derek being the emotional guy. Lydia is definitely strong enough to handle the whole werewolf ordeal and Derek could just really do with someone who can love him unconditionally.

With a sigh he loads the gun. He only has two matching bullets, he has no extra shots, no backup if he misses one time. So he figures he can’t take any chances and gets as close to Derek as he can. Luckily for Stiles, cupids are usually invisible, unless they actually want to be seen. But since their uniforms consist out of armor that basically just looks like a white steel diaper and a bullet belt, they mostly desperately want to stay invisible.

Stiles took his time aiming his rifle. He waited till he had a perfectly clear shot, which wasn’t too hard, since he’d gotten so close to his assignment that he was actually in the room with him. He finally took a shot when Derek was too absorbed in petting Thumper (yes, it’s such a cliché name for a bunny, but apparently the dude is a Bambi fan) to move any time soon.

The werewolf would probably feel something like a bee’s sting for a second or two before any pain or discomfort from the bullet would disappear completely. It was a ridiculously small price to pay for eternal love.

For a split second, Stiles thought he’d fucked up the shot. He’d been aiming for the stretch of Derek’s back, but as he pulled the trigger he moved the gun a little bit too much. Luckily for Stiles the bullet still hit the target. Right in the butt.

Derek let out a ridiculous high yelp as he grabbed for his butt, thus dropping thumper and making the bunny race off under the couch. Seeing the gruff werewolf look around so indignantly as to whatever hurt his precious little butt, was so hilarious Stiles doubled over laughing.

Sadly that was before he was able to turn on the safety of his gun. And after that, Stiles couldn’t really blame Derek for his reaction to the bullet. Shooting himself in the foot hurt a lot more than a bee’s sting.

But of course that wasn’t the end of Stiles’ pain, oh no. Because you see, a cupid can’t commit to eternal love, since their job is to pay more attention to other people’s relationships than their own. That’s why, when a cupid gets shot with a cupid’s bullet, he turns into a human. Oh yes. And that means: no invisibility, no flying, no uniform.

Which is a perfect explanation as to why Derek Hale suddenly saw a floating naked guy materialize out of thin air and fall on his living room floor.

“What the fuck?” He screamed at the pale heap of human being.

“Oh shit… those bullets hurt like a motherfucker! Bee’s sting, my ass! Auwtch!”

“What…? Who…? How….? WHAT THE FUCK?” And it’s then that Stiles finally realized just how much trouble he was actually in. He looked at Derek then down at his naked body and back to Derek again.

“Oh fuck me… This can’t be happening.” His first assignment ever and he already screwed it up. He screwed it up more than anyone would have thought possible.

“This? What? What is happening? Who are you?” During his observing stage, Stiles had only caught Derek with two facial expressions: grumpy and caring. Now there were about a million micro-expressions going on all at once and it was just too much for Stiles to really decipher any of them.

“So erm… funny story… how about you go get me some clothes to put on and then we talk?”

“Talk? You broke into my house. Naked. And you want to talk? What? Do you want a cup of tea as well? Some cookies?”

“Oh so the werewolf knows some sarcasm. Good to know. That’s going to make my life considerably easier.” When Derek just stared at him, Stiles gave him a pointed look to the stairs, assuming Derek’s clothes were in his bedroom.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Those clothes aren’t going to get themselves, and I assume that you’re not ready to take this relationship to the ‘My boyfriend is strutting around my house butt-naked’-level. So up you go!” He tried to point to the stairs with his eyes again, because he really needed his hands to cover himself up, but apparently the werewolf wasn’t that quick on the uptake.

“Boyfriend? Okay, listen here you little punk! I don’t know how the fuck you got in here or how you know I’m a werewolf, but I’m not getting anything for you until you tell me exactly what the fuck is going on!” Okay, okay, glowing eyes, a lot of hair, this was getting a bit too wolfy for Stiles’ tastes.

“Okay, okay! I got it.” Stiles said as he backed off slowly and raised his hands in surrender… which… was a mistake. Or maybe not, as it surprised Derek enough to back off, change into his human form again and throw Stiles a blanket.

“Thanks. Okay, so let’s sit down for this tal-… Or not, sure, we can totally have this talk standing up. Standing. Awkwardly.” So when Derek moved and blocked Stiles’ path, did he just not want a naked stranger to sit on his precious couch, or was he scared the naked stranger would hurt Thumper, who was still hiding under aforementioned couch?

“Start talking.” At this point Stiles was pretty certain his head would be ripped off if he didn’t do what the werewolf said, so this is the point where Stiles gave up on trying to ease Derek into this.

“Okay, I’ll just introduce myself first. Hi, I’m Stiles, a cupid… well I was a cupid, till about a minute ago when I fell on your floor. Now I’m human. Which is why I fell on your floor. So I guess the part where I turn human really came before the part where I fell on your floor.” Derek growled when he saw Stiles was going to start rambling about things that didn’t matter.

“But those are just stupid details that I should really not waste your precious time on. Noted. So, anyway. I was a cupid and you were my first assignment. I shot you and then you squealed so loud and you dropped your bunny and I laughed so hard that I shot myself in the foot with the matching bullet and now we’re destined to be together for the rest of our lives and I’m really, really sorry that I fucked up your assignment… my assignment… details.” Stiles rushed out.

“So cupids are real?” …huh, well that was easier than Stiles thought it would be.

“Yes. I just graduated from Cupid College and… fuck, dude, I’m so sorry I screwed this up.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be all… angelic and stuff? You swear a lot.”

“That… that’s the part you’re focusing on? My language? Well, Captain America I am so sorry to have spoken such foul words in the presence of your dainty ears, please forgive me for I cannot bear the weight of this guilt any longer.” Derek chuckled.

“So who were you supposed to match me up with anyway?”

“Oh god… you’re going to hate my guts for messing this up. She was freaking gorgeous. Lydia Martin, gorgeous and smart and pretty much perfect. I could try to call in some favors and see what we can do about this situation but as far as I know there’s no cure for my lovejuice.” Stiles was aware of the fact that no amount of apologizing could ever make up for this screw-up, but he sure as hell was going to try. Poor werewolf dude.

“Your lovejuice? That’s what you’re calling it? Fuck, this is going to be one hell of a life if I’m supposed to share it with you.” To Stiles’ surprise, Derek didn’t look all that pissed off. In fact, there was even a small smile playing on his lips.

“If you get to name your bunny something as cliché as Thumper, then I get to call my love magic my lovejuice.”

“There’s nothing wrong with Thumper, it’s a perfectly fine name for a bunny. So, are you going to get dressed or what?” Derek turned his back on Stiles as he grabbed Thumper from under the couch, calmingly petting him.

“You’d think that if I’d had clothes I’d be wearing them, wouldn’t you?” Stiles deadpanned.

“My bedroom’s upstairs, first door on the right, pick something decent.”

“Decent? Nothing that actually fits you is going to look decent on me.”

“Oh shut up, I was trying to ask you out. Pick out something nice and we’ll go to the movies. We’ll go shopping tomorrow.”

“You’re taking me shopping tomorrow? What are you, my sugar daddy?” But Stiles was already halfway up the stairs. This tingly feeling was great. Also downplayed in his textbooks by the way. Like the bullet would feel like a “bee’s sting”, love was supposed to feel like “butterflies in your stomach”. It was more like his stomach was being trampled by dinosaurs. Freaking **love**.

“Don’t be a brat. We’re going shopping whether you like it or not, _angel_.” And oh no, that won’t do.

“That nickname is not going to happen, Derek!” He sing-songed.

“Try me, angel!”

“That’s enough with the barking, Fluffy!”

 

 

 

 


End file.
